If Only

I currently stay in Semarang, a nice city with no traffic jam, where angkringan is easy to find.

I have started to teach in a local school since March, and it was not bad; in fact it was great.

I have also met new people and friends in the local church; a community that allows me to serve and to release my potentials; they are warm, open and humble.

Oh I almost forget, that I have also found a good buddy who avails himself to be my partner to discuss things – almost everything. However, still I miss the old place and friends.

In this city, I am experiencing several things that bring struggles to me; things like speed, point of view, values and principals – especially in teaching children. Such of those things just don’t rhyme with mine. I was depressed.

A month ago, I received a text from my ex-boss asking me to return to the old school. After took some weeks to think it through, I finally said yes. I admitted to myself that I miss my ex-colleagues and working place.

Are you wondering why do I miss them so much? Come and pay a visit on your own, then you will find the answers. 🙂

I miss my ex- boss, too. A boss whom I truly honor and adore, a boss whom walks the talk, a boss whom made me promise to myself that I wanna grow up like her.
But, things didn’t go my way.

A week ago, I received a news from her saying that the working visa application was rejected. Another depression hit me.

I couldn’t say anything for quite some times, I didn’t know how to react, I remained silent.

I cried and questioned God for hours and hours almost everyday. My heart was broken into pieces.

The silence gave me some times to stop from the busy work and take time to mend my heart.

If only I said “No” to the offer at the first place, then I wouldn’t have experienced this hurtful feeling.

If only I decided to let things go, I wouldn’t have needed to endure myself in waiting and doubts.
If only I didn’t set my expectations toward new things, then I surely wouldn’t have broken.

But, if only I didn’t put my gut in embracing the journey, my faith wouldn’t have stretched. 
If only I chose to stay in my little chamber, I would not have realized how great the friendship that I am now in.

If only I remained blanket by the fear, pain and rejection, I would not have seen how great God’s love for me. 

Yes, I was in pain, but I still able to put smiles on my face.

I have experienced rejections after rejections, but I stood strong and stayed to serve faithfully.

I got a lot of obstacles and struggles, but I performed outstandingly at work.

I thought the lights were absent, but new people kept coming to me expressing their thankfulness because they’ve inspired by my ideas and actions. 

I thought I have failed God’s expectation, but I was wrong.

He never have expected me to always go farther,
He wants me to always choosing the right responds that please Him. So I did.

I chose to break my silence. 

Few days ago, the thing that I wanted to keep it secretive, I shared it publicly. 
Not to gain sympathy from people, but to testify the goodness of God. 

How God embraces me when I am fail and fragile. 

How He strengthen me when I am down and powerless. 

How He shows me that He loves me and I deserve to receive all good He has in store. 

And most importantly, the way I see ‘miracles‘ has been renewed. 

If it wasn’t because of His miraculous work in my life, I would have fell and dead. But I did not. 

And that is the biggest miracle ever. 

*Dedicated to my friendly leader, pastor Ben, I love you to my bones, pastor! 😗 ;

All friends in iCare, you guys are awesome! 😎 ;

My lovely Abeth who had moved to Jakarta, thanks for supporting me with your prayers and texts 😇 ;

And to my new buddy, Donny, for availing yourself to keep me breathed and alive. Namaste 🙏🏻 


4 thoughts on “If Only

  1. Cia yo Saras. As much as we want to plan our life, it has a way of surprising us with unexpected things that will make us happier than we originally planned – that’s what we call God’s will. Thanks for sharing. Gbu abundantly. Yeah… I care

  2. through up and down, dagdigdugser in life.. all the story will be history.. Jesus is so so sooo gooddd..

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