I am well known as a single girl who lives freely, and I am sure everyone sees how I enjoy my life as a single for I have the freedom to decide and flexibility to create adjustments as and when I need.
In the beginning of this year, I was interrupted by the presence of a gentleman. A figure whom I have seen often but never interact with before. Thus, there was not enough reason to buy this gut. So, I decided to put him aside and went back to my busy work – study life day in, day out.
In the middle of this year, I happened to meet this gentleman in an unplanned occasion.
It was really unplanned.
He sat next to me and we talked.
He gave me a ride and we continued to talk.
We exchanged phone numbers and we have on going conversations.
Then I began to wonder, “What is this going on?”
I took my time to pray.
And – somehow – it made me think of the interruption which I have encountered in the beginning of this year, it was the same gentleman.
I continued praying and the same interruption kept on popping out.
At this point of time, I have no more power to deny the truth.
I began to find myself excitedly waiting for his replies and started to feel a different joy texting him back.
But then I began to fear this feeling because it is so rare to me. I started to deny the joy, telling myself to stop before it is too late for both sides. And the stronger I fought the more unrested I became, it was almost like wrestling with something unseen.
So, I decided to surrender the fight.
I began to listen to what my heart says, that I needed to learn to show some love for him. Again, it is really rare to me; and even though I have surrendered the fight, still I find me reasoning with God.
I asked Him, “How do You want me to show him love?”
After questioned Him numerously, He finally said,
“Treat him the way you want to be treated.”
Oh My God.
This is a tough assignment.
So here I am, practicing what I believe is right, synchronizing my thoughts and actions to be able to make him feeling accepted.
I need him to see that I come as a true friend with no demands.
I need him to know that he is secure to be vulnerable.
I need him to understand that he can trust me.
Because love is all about trust, it is the first layer to be built,
and it has to be established strongly.
It was not easy at all, and I am still puzzled by how people are striving for relationship.
Just by imagining that I will soon – probably – have to end my singleness has already scared me to death.
You see, I have been fighting zillions of battles on my own for all along.
I am free to make decisions and navigate my directions.
If I want to go for something, I do not require a second or third opinion.
I needed to ask God alone.
Once God agreed, I would go.
I find myself having a lot of surrendering moments with God regarding with this matter, because it is damn hard to be consistently loving.
There were times when I am discouraged because I did not get the respond that I wanted, meanwhile I kept on hearing the same voice that said to continue to love him.
My prayer times stretched longer.
My conversations with God become deeper.
I become clearer about what I should be pursuing.
And then I finally understood that the focus is me!
It is never about going after the man!
It is about deepening my relationship with God in the first place!
Oh wow, what a revelation!
A dearly friend said to me a few years back,
“It is more important to become the right person
than to look for the right person.”
Yea, it is all about me.
God brings up this gentleman into my life to teach me about love.
And I cannot deny that God exists in this scenario.
When I lost enthusiasm, God patted my shoulders and said, “Keep going.”
When I presented tons of doubts, God said, “I will be your light.”
When I begged for signs and wonders to cling on, God said, “Have I not given you plenty?”
When I am anxious about where is this going, He calmly said, “Relax, I know what’s best for you.”
When I screamed out because I feel like my whole body is aching, God said, “It is my battle, leave it to me.”
When frustrations intrigued because I did not get the respond that I wanted, God reminded me by saying, “I am the one who takes control of your life.”
And I have fully understood that it is not about the man, it is first about me. It is about setting my life right.
God can use anything to renew my perspective about love, but He chooses to present this gentleman as the lesson kit, while God Himself creating the lesson plan.
All I need to do is just to listen to His instructions, gain the knowledge, and get myself prepared for the final test.
Wow, isn’t it amazing? 🙂
So, I choose to embrace a new journey of faith and let God leads my way.
Well, I may be failing, but I will be failing forward.
And by the way, the excitement to crack the shell is too big to contain than the fear of rejection.
And I must be a fool if I still remain in my little chamber when God Himself is beautifully writing my love story.
So, I will see you in #Part2.